Friday, 9 November 2012

Wet Attack: The Empire Cums Back - PC



This game is so superior to Sim-City and its uptight, educational and starch collared cronies I hardly know where to start. Your goal: to create and manage an intergalactic brothel even Barbarella would blush at. Your resources: a stolen space jalopy known simply as The Tit. Your team: a foxy ensemble of female mechanics - who, frustrated by the sterility of space - must be kept amused! For Lula and her franchise, things were simply not salacious enough here on Earth, so naturally there was nothing for it but to up-shop and ejaculate into the cosmos: in search of new alien members and an array of farcical sexual experiences.

    A female Colossus of Rhodes . . . and why not?

   The masterpiece Norman Foster wished he built. Tits are evident at every
   structural level, from the outline of the building to individual door handles:
   constantly emerging like some randy fractal.
    I trust there's a nearby Sim Hospital with functioning STD clinic.

This was an earnestly ambitious game - with numerous modes yet one overarching objective - much like life. One moment you're engaged in Elite style battles against hardened space pirates, then thrust into a Monkey Island style point n' click adventure, then supposited into Sim Hospitalesque brothel management and finally an oral sex simulator. If combined with Battlecrusier 3000AD this could have been the space faring epic all previous attempts have been mere allusions towards. Like Battlecruiser, Wet Attack is blighted by minor errors, though these are trivial when compared to the towering vision that inspired them: nothing less than mankind's future in the cosmos; economical, political and sexual.


Looking back over the last twenty years of computer gaming, we are confronted with a frightfully barren, unromantic, unerotic Mordor of a landscape: so much for software as an artform. In fact the lack of sexual content is remarkable. Tetris you can perhaps forgive but in the case of many RPG's (games expected to push the boundaries of character development and immersion) the lack of sex seems almost pathological. Even in this day of inane X-box Halo pap catered to the FHM crowd there's hardly a sexual encounter on display, and where it rarely surfaces (GTA perhaps) it's as if it has been coded by a barely pubescent g-rap fan. System Shock II, again, I can forgive since there was not another human being in the game (but ctrl-F12 . . . couldn't this have been an onanistic short-cut?) It seems the onus is on games like Wet Attack: The Empire Cums Back to push things a little too far in order to redress this unusual imbalance, one not evident in any other medium.

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